The conversation turned to flatulence. Let me rephrase… the
conversation turned to the subject of flatulence. That’s better.
About fifteen or so fully-developed humans had gathered to
celebrate the clock’s journey to 5 p.m., and someone had seen a recent episode
of “The Doctors” that discussed the “embarrassment of flatulence.” The doctors
opined that everyone has it, it’s a very natural process of digestion, and
there’s nothing wrong with it.
Oh, yes, there is.
Before I lay out my case, let me confess to being very –
yea, extremely – knowledgeable about
this subject. In fact, if there were a kingdom of methane makers, I would be
their ruler. Erect a totem pole of the top violators in the world, and you’d
need a ladder to see my face.
I blame my short colon, but mostly because I can. A little
dance with colon cancer in my 30s claimed about a foot of my digestive tract. I
figure that leaves me with less time for the final product to manifest itself.
Not so, I’m told by my cousin, Dan. He says it’s a family trait.
That’s comforting to know. At least, I’m not alone. It’s
also an excuse not to hang around my family too much.
So, then, let’s assume that some of you that are reading
this might consider yourselves challengers to the throne. While this is not
really a contest, in fact, as with sin, we are all guilty.
We all learn ways to hide it. Personally, if you ever see me
in the grocery store aisle that sells bleach and detergents, yeah, I don’t buy
bleach and detergents. That’s an aisle where there aren’t a lot of people.
Company at the house for something off the grill? “Let me go
check on the coals.” I don’t really need to do that. The way I prepare charcoal
takes 45 minutes. All I really need to do is look at the clock.
Riding down the road with someone else in the car? “Wonder
what the temperature is like?” Roll down the window, stick my hand out for a
few seconds. Then, pretend they don’t know what I just did by announcing, “Yep,
still hot.” Or, “Hey, I think it’s getting cooler.”
So, if it’s something that everyone does, what’s the
problem? I’ll tell you what the problem is.
WHO JUST DID THAT???
It may well be that everyone does it, that it’s just
natural, that it’s part of the digestive process, but somebody just committed a
crime on the entire universe of all mankind and they must be called out!!
“What is wrong with you?!?!”
Fortunately, for me, no one ever knows. During several of
the years I was on the radio, I had two female partners that sat together on
the other side of the desk. One year, for Christmas they gave me a charcoal
filter cushion. They giggled about it a bunch, but I think it was just because
I have a boney butt, and they knew I needed some padding.
My brother-in-law has literally fallen out of the golf cart
when riding with me, but I think he has balance issues.
Yes, friends, we all suffer, but we do our best to suffer
silently. Silence is golden. Silence is also deadly.
Good luck.