Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard. We
know you could have flown on any other airline, but that would have cost you
fifty cents more, so thanks for choosing us.
And before you blame us for today’s miserable flying
experience, isn’t getting there as cheaply as you can the game you play when
you spend all those hours on Orbitz and Kayak and Travelocity? We’re simply
helping you win that game!
A special shout out to those of you that paid extra money
for comfort class. Oh sure, there’s still not enough space to get up and go
potty without everyone else on your
aisle getting up too, but there’s room enough for your knees! Think of
those poor chumps in the back that will be sitting catty-cornered for the next
5 hours!
Also, a special welcome to those of you that are First
Class, Second Class, Gold Plated, Free World, Unified, Dignified or Petrified
Club members. And if you’re a Medallion flyer, be sure and upgrade to our
Swinging Medallion Club status. That ensures you’ll get a seat on the plane
where the headphone jack actually works, and you can listen to music!
Get it? Swinging Medallion… music…? No?
By the way, coming soon is a new class of service called
R&R. The first ‘r’ is for ‘rest’, and the second ‘r’ is for ‘room’. Ahhhh,
some of you have already guessed it, it’s restroom seating. Scoff if you wish,
but it will offer way more seating room than you have right now.
For those of you that aren’t already members of our frequent
flyer program, we encourage you to sign up. Every time you fly, you’ll get
points you can redeem for stuff. Sometimes. Not always. I mean, you always get
points; that’s our way of thanking you for your loyalty. It’s that we don’t
just let you use them. Think of it as
our “thank you” but with strings attached.
How many points, you ask? It’s difficult to say. Corporate
likes to change the rules when it looks like you may actually be getting some
benefit from them. But it’s always to your advantage!
For example, we used to offer one point for every mile
flown. So if you flew from Atlanta
to LA, for example, you would get around 2000 points. But now, we offer you one
point for every dollar spent. So if you bought your ATL – LA ticket for $800,
you’ll get 800 points. That cheap Priceline-ing rascal next to you that only
spent $350 will get only 350 points. See? The more you spend, the more you
benefit! You win again!
We do encourage you to buy as many tickets as possible as
quickly as possible, as we’re changing our rewards program again next week so
that you will only get points for the minutes you spend online booking your
flight. But - pssst! - here’s an industry insider secret: type your information
in s-l-o-w-l-y. That way, it will take you ten minutes – earning ten points –
instead of just five minutes, earning only five points.
Don’t let me catch you sharing that on TripAdvisor!
We will be offering cabin service today. If you’d like a
drink , we have those little bottles you pay $1.50 for at the liquor store.
We’re selling them for $8. If you’d like food, we’ll sell you a 1-oz. bag of
potato chips. Water and napkins are free. We don’t give you extra napkins if
you eat the first one.
But hey, whatever you do, please don’t fuss at your flight
attendant. You think this is any fun for us? Working those 6-inch wide aisles,
pushing that cart saying, “watch your elbows, watch your shoulders, watch your
knees” with every step?
Cramped for you cramps us, too. That’s our unofficial
slogan.
Besides, they’ve cut our pensions and extended our hours.
We’re here to serve you only because McDonald’s isn’t hiring this week.
Hey, but enough about us! This is about you and your
experience with us. To help you enjoy that experience, we remind you this is a
no smoking flight. Oh sure, there are some ashtrays onboard, but that’s just an
indicator of how old this plane really is! Seriously, who remembers when you
could smoke on a plane?
While this bird may be old, though, she has been
retro-fitted with new seats! As a means of helping get more people to more
places and spending less money to do it, we’ve installed narrower seats and
added more of them. Now, this will leave those of you with aisle seats tending
to lean out into the aisle as a means of grasping for enough space to be comfortable.
Don’t do that. There are people walking sideways trying to
get to the bathroom.
Instead, overlap your shoulders with the person sitting next
to you. Heck, you’re practically sitting in their lap already. Go ahead and get
intimate! Sure, it squeezes you a little but takes the squeeze off our bottom
line! Ha ha! A little corporate humor there!
Speaking of corporate humor, a special welcome to those of
you that once owned stock in our airline. You know, before we went bankrupt,
declared your stock worthless and issued new stock. In a few minutes, our CEO
will appear on the screen to tell you how much you mean to us and how much we
care.
Enjoy your flight.