Discovering The Holy Grail of Mac 'n Cheese

Since the dawn of our self-awareness, mankind has sought answers for two main questions:
-the meaning of life, and…
-the recipe for perfect mac ‘n cheese.

Perhaps then, that is just one question. For if we spend our whole lives trying to perfect mac ‘n cheese, maybe that is indeed the very reason for our existence.

I’ve found it. The recipe. It’s my own.

Print this out.

Step 1: Make some gravy.

If you prefer a more sophisticated method, use the classic French recipe for a mother sauce:

Begin with a roux. A roux is fat and flour mixed together over heat. Now make it béchamel sauce by adding cream or milk.

And what do we have? A bunch of French oo-la-la for gravy. Make the dang gravy!

For a standard box of macaroni noodles, try:
2 Tbsp fat (butter, lard or yummy bacon fat. Mmmmm…)
2 Tbsp flour

Slowly stir in cream or milk until you reach a good gravy consistency.

Here’s where my culinary genius kicks in. Once that gravy looks like something you’d spoon over a biscuit, add another cup of cream. And I insist this addition be cream, not milk.

Don’t worry if now looks too thin. We’re about to put a dump truck load of cheese in there. Cheese plus additional cooking will make it just right.

Mac ‘n cheese is really all about the cheese, and so many varieties will work. Therefore, this becomes a matter of personal preference.

You must have cheddar, that’s the base. But you want additional flavors.

Gruyere, gouda, smoked gouda, fontina, Muenster, Havarti, parm, Monterey Jack… (Why do we capitalize the names of some cheese but not others?)

Anyway, pick four cheeses you like, but remember, cheddar must be one of them.

Fontina and Muenster are wussy cheeses. Not enough flavor. For anything, really. They should be banished from Cheesedom.

I prefer Gruyere, Parmesan and smoked gouda.

Minimum:
1 lb. sharp cheddar.
1/2 lb. of each of the others you’ve chosen.

Caveat: If you’re using smoked gouda, taste if first. All smoked goudas are not alike. If it’s a particularly sharp, smokey flavor, you may want to back off a little.

Add smoked paprika. Add cracked black pepper, at least 40 turns of your pepper grinder. I used to use regular ground black pepper, but I’ve upped my standards. Up yours.

Cheese gravy! Oil is from the cheese separating during cooking. Who cares?

Pour your molten lava over your mac noodles, stir it in, top with more cheddar, cover with Italian bread crumbs and cook at 325 until you’re ready to eat it.

Have you just made the perfect mac ‘n cheese? You have not.

Before serving, you are going to make another French gravy: Bearnaise sauce. You can make it from scratch if you want, but those little packs from the grocery store work just fine.

Now, ladle that bearnaise over your mac ‘n cheese, and prepare your tongue and tummy for perfection.

Lawd, have mercy!

Worthy of a face plant!

But wait! Isn’t bearnaise what you put on steak?

It is. And if you’re having steak with mac ‘n cheese, just smother the whole freakin’ plate with bearnaise.

And serve a side salad.

Sharing is caring, and this gift I share with you will leave you fulfilled: full and filled.

And fatter.

And perhaps a little stopped up. Seriously, don’t forget the salad.