Readers: This is a research paper. As such, it contains, you know, scientific stuff and may not be for everyone.
First up, the word: ‘Caribbean’ and how to pronounce it.
In the states, we tend to lean toward cuh-RIB-ee-un, emphasis on ‘rib.’ That’s not the way most folks in the Caribbean say it.
They say, care-uh-BEE-un.
Think Billy Ocean’s ‘Caribbean Queen’ or Jimmy Buffett’s ‘Christmas in the Caribbean.’
So you can be a local, or you can be wrong. Your choice.
Our journey began innocently with a search for sea glass, little pieces of glass that most folks think are remnants of broken bottles because the colors and shapes often resemble broken beer and wine bottles.
Wrong! They are a natural product of oceanology.
If you haven’t seen the Reese Witherspoon documentary, Sweet Home Alabama, a scientist named Jake demonstrates how he assists nature in the manufacture of sea glass by driving metal rods into the sand during a thunderstorm.
What more evidence do you need? Science is a beautiful thing.
But that’s only how our adventure started. It quickly and unexpectedly veered into much more mysterious territory.
First the discovery of a giant prehistoric sea amoeba brain.
This unusual discovery was further supported by finding prehistoric sea amoeba poop floating in the waves.
prehistoric amoeba poop
Locals harvest these ancient, nutrient-rich blobs from the surf to fertilize their landscapes, as shown in the above photo.
Let me take off my lab jacket for a moment to give you a word here about our accommodations. Very primitive and dangerous.
We were in a lean-to infested with wiguanas, a little-known species of herbaceous lizard whose name is literally a cross between ‘wall’ and ‘iguana.’
Wiguanas live on walls. And look like iguanas.
We even saw a mating pair though we never saw them actually mate, which was fine by us. Lizard sex…eww!
Special thanks to local ornithologist Liza for pointing out this mating pair doing a hoochie dance
While wiguanas are not a threat to humans, we did encounter a sub-species that was once quite feared, the LUSH wiguana. LUSH is an acronym for Lighted Up Skull Head wiguana.
The LUSH iguana has the ability to stick its tail into an electrical outlet and make its head light up. Early Caribbean people saw this as some sort of voodoo and feared the LUSH, but it is now understood that it only happens at night and is quite harmless.
Sometimes the LUSH even falls down, helpless on the ground.
But back to the scientific stuff…
Scouring the beaches of the Caribbean, we knew we were on the trail of the pirate Blackbeard when we recovered a doubloon in the sand.
Using time-honored techniques of baking soda and vinegar, we cleaned it up.
Whoa! What was this??
Skeptics might point out the similarities between it and the Eastern Caribbean penny.
A local podiatrist told us current EC coins are based on the design of ancient coins pirates looted for booty and that we had indeed found something special.
Finding the doubloon would have been enough, but then…
Bam!
We come across the grand prize. It’s a treasure once belonging to Blackbeard his own self!
Wandering the shores along the seas the famous pirate once sailed and terrorized, our crew discovered a rusty machete.
rusty machete
Not just any machete. A closer examination shows us the handle is etched with the initials ‘BB.’
We took our finding to a local proctologist named Jesse who proclaimed this to be the holy grail of treasure hunters worldwide. Blackbeard’s machete! (He called it a ‘cutlass.’)
The initials on the handle were all the proof he needed.
Jesse told us Blackbeard’s initials were probably written in the blood of his victims, explaining that the proteins in the blood bind with the wood and basically become indelible ink.
He also pointed out how the Oldsmobile folks imagined the Cutlass automobile back in the 1900’s.
Artist rendering of the Oldsmobile Machete, later called Cutlass (Source unknown but probably ancient)
At this point our Bingo card is full, and we are the winners!
Conclusion: Blackbeard was a pirate, he likely invented the automobile, and we found some cool stuff.
I am available to speak to professional organizations and institutions of higher learning on these findings. Call me to discuss fees.
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, y’all!