That’s right. I’m a
cowboy. Got me some chip-kickers (sorry,
they allow me only so much editorial freedom) to prove it. Tony Lamas, baby.
A friend gave me these nice cowboy boots over twenty-five
years ago, and until recently, I had worn them maybe twice. I’m a sneaker dude.
What I am is a lazy dresser, but
sneakers are the preferred shoe of slobs worldwide.
A wedding I attended back in the fall was loosely Western
themed, so putting the boots on seemed the appropriate thing to do. Problem is,
those boots are size 11; my foot is now a 12. It was a tight fit, but my wife
encouraged me to gut it out for the night.
After all, I’m a cowboy, right? We laugh at pain.
Wearing those boots for 8 hours that day either stretched
them out a bit or shrunk my foot. The boots still don’t fit but feel fine
enough that I recently wore them when I accompanied my wife to a dinner with a
bunch of her redneck friends.
I fit right in.
Here’s the thing: I’m different when I’m wearing my boots.
Maybe I just don’t pay attention, but do I always point my toes out when I
walk? In my boots I feel like I’m bow-legged. Like I just got off a horse.
I talk differently, too. Instead of a “nah” to your
question, you will get “naw”. “Hey” becomes “howdy” as I greet you. Being
raised in the South, I tend to say “ma’am” to women most of the time,
regardless of their age, but when I’m wearing boots, it becomes a two-syllable
word: ‘may-yum’.
The very act of wearing cowboy boots invokes a certain
swagger in your personality that you don’t normally display. It’s how we get
popular 5-foot, 2-inch country singers. They may be wearing a t-shirt and a
necklace, but put on them boots, a cowboy hat, and give ‘em a git-tar, and they
are by-god ranch hands that just drove the herd across Montana right before
hopping on stage to sang you this here song.
I get it. ‘Cause I too am a cowboy. So if you see me in the
saloon, go ahead, call me out for being an imposter. But be aware, I’ve got a
six-shooter. I mean, I’ve had six shooters.
And if you’re wearing flip-flops, I’ll trade you. These
boots are killin’ my feet.