I write about the thrill of the grill too much, but I know what I’m doing with meat and fire. It’s a blessed curse.
So I cooked these ribs. The ribs were fabulous. The best I ever cooked. They were perfect. Nobody liked them. They were terrible. Some said they were undercooked. They had no flavor. Probably the worst ever. And so great.
It was the pig’s fault. It may have been a sick pig. Sick pigs are no good. The pig may have been in a bad mood the day it processed. When a pig is angry or not feeling good when it’s butchered, it transfers to the meat. The ham, the ribs, the bacon. That’s why bacon sometimes spoils when left in the refrigerator a long time. You need a pig that’s in a good mood on the day it gets processed. In China - or somewhere over there - they stick an air hose up a pig’s butt and blow ‘em up to about twice their normal size before they’re processed. It makes the ribs twice as big, but they only have half the flavor. It’s terrible. They do something similar in Russia with mules. We don’t eat mules but they do in Russia. They call it Moscow Mule. It’s mules from Moscow. They love their mules in Moscow. One day they may learn to make mule powder so they can mix it with milk in a blender and make a protein shake like we do. But they don’t do it now. The Russians are way behind us in that technology.
The charcoal might have gotten old. Charcoal can absorb too much moisture if left out too long. That’s a hoax. I keep the charcoal on the porch right next to my rocking chair that’s been there for years. Many, many years. That chair, it doesn’t absorb moisture. Unless it rains. But then it dries out in one day. Maybe two, if it rains more than one day. Or a week, if it keeps raining. But it dries out. And so does the charcoal. Nothing wrong with the charcoal. Unless it was bad.
You want to use lump charcoal, not briquettes. Lump is the best. It burns hotter, It burns more evenly. But there’s a lot of little lumps that fall between the grates in the grill, so you lose a lot. It’s terrible. I don’t like lump charcoal. You can’t spread it like you can briquettes. It’s uneven and won’t spread. You have to use tongs to move it around. You have to pick up those lumps with tongs like you do a dirty diaper. You know, when you want to take a diaper to the trash and you want it as far away from you as possible, so you use tongs. And you put it in the trash and it goes to the landfill and becomes environmental waste. Hazardous waste. It’s terrible. But that’s gonna be fixed. They working on a baby that doesn’t poop. Science is working on that. A poopless baby. Won’t poop. Won’t pollute. We should have poopless babies in two weeks. Or next summer. Maybe two years, depending on whether the medical community is onboard. They’re not. Some are. Doctors don’t want poopless babies. It’s bad for their business. Especially pediatricians. They make money off of babies that poop too much. They don’t want it. And the gastroenter… gastro… gastro-entomologists. The doctors that work on your intestines. They don’t want this. They make money on this. They don’t want it. It’s horrible. I had colon cancer and a gastro doctor - that sounds like Castro doctor, doesn’t it. But a Castro doctor would be Cuban. There’s nothing wrong with Cubans. They’re wonderful people. They make a great sandwich. I eat a lot of Cuban sandwiches. Made by a real Cuban lady. She’s a lovely lady. From Cuba. Down in the Philippines. Great people, horrible leaders there. But a really great sandwich. I don’t know that they even do research on poopless babies. If they do, they are way behind us. But if you ever have colon cancer, you want a gastro guy. I had it. I had colon cancer. One fixed me, Trust me, they’re great, great people. They heal people, they fix people. We need more of them. And they deserve a raise. They should charge more than they do. They’re great.
The ribs are great. You shouldn’t eat them. Not good. No good.