The European Rescue
We just got back from Spain and Portugal.
Off the top of my head, I’ve visited a European country maybe 10 times. So much rich history and really lovely people. There’s a lot to love.
Number one thing I love: their wine prices. Europe makes decent wine very affordable. The first bottle we bought on this most recent trip was $2.50. Subsequent bottles were generally $4 - $7, although one evening at dinner we paid €11. Or $11.78.
Rich people can do that.
But for all the love I have for Europe, there are some things that need fixing, and I’m fixin’ to tell you all about them.
Before I do, let me step into this phone booth, tear off my clothes and become…
Captain Life Enhancer Criticizer!
Yes, I am here to criticize, but I’m also here to introduce cultural changes that could re-shape the entire visitor experience, if the European Union is paying attention.
(Secretly, Europe is rejoicing; you just can’t see it.)
Let’s start with bed linens. WHAT IS UP WITH THE DUVETS?!?
For the uncultured, the duvet is a blanket sandwiched between two sheets sewn together. Europeans often use it as the top sheet, quilt and bed spread all in one. In other words, it’s often all you have to cover up with.
The duvet is great in the dead of winter, but in the other three seasons it’s just hot. I encountered the duvet on my first trip to Europe 40 years ago. Forty years later, it’s still a Euro-scourge.
The fix: Dump the duvet. Give us a top sheet and a blanket.
Next up, bourbon.
A European would tell you, “We don’t drink bourbon.”
An American would respond, “Probably because all you have is Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.”
Hey, I will hang out with Jack and Jim, but Europeans need to meet my other friends.
The fix: May be happening already. We ran across quatro rosas (Four Roses) occasionally. Maybe they are indeed trying to up their game.
Our next item is a bigger problem and something I was not familiar with. The washer/dryer combo.
This is a single appliance that serves as both a washer and dryer. It would be more useful as a boat anchor.
Wash cycles seem fairly normal, but when that same machine transforms into a dryer, the dry cycle is almost 3 hours long. Even then, clothes are liable to still be damp.
On several occasions, we encountered the Siemens brand. Siemens makes MRI and CT scan machines. You’d think they could make a functional dryer.
Looks like 2 minutes, 50 seconds. Nope!
I suspect the dryer is not vented over there, and the moist air is not being allowed to escape, but I never pulled a dryer out from the wall to check it. We washed clothes at night, and I was too busy learning new Spanish phrases, like ‘quatro rosas.’
The fix: sledge hammers. Knock some holes in those walls, go to Home Depot and buy a vent hose. I’m guessing.
We move now… ha!… a movement… to a really big problem. WHERE’S THE FRIKKIN’ TOILET SEAT?? (I’m yelling a lot, aren’t I?)
See where the ‘movement’ joke came from?
While this isn’t widespread, it’s not all that uncommon. We even wound up in some classy restaurants without them.
Dear anyone, what are your expectations for folks needing a bathroom break when there is no seat?
Women are used to hovering; men, not so much.
The fix: $20. BUY A DANG TOILET SEAT!
Saving the most egregious problem for last…
Europe, you suck at coffee.
The real issue: Europeans drink espresso.
Also called Nespresso but that’s a specific brand
This is no way to make or consume coffee. The coffee is too strong and there’s not enough of it. People that drink espresso are capable of eating vegemite.
And Brussells sprouts.
All across Europe - and the world - you can order café Americano, which is supposedly coffee American-style. In reality, it’s just espresso (bad coffee) with water added to it. It helps, but it’s still not good.
The fix: Mr. Coffee 12-cup drip coffee maker. Y’all have Amazon in Europe. Order one.
Cultural divides take a little work, sometimes. It’s good Europe has me to help.