Frill of the Grill

The #1 secret to being a great griller is to call yourself a great griller. Others can doubt, but the burden to prove otherwise is on them.

I’m a great griller.

Ask my friends how great I am and you’re likely to hear comments like, “I had his chicken once. I’m surprised that bird didn’t fly away when he took it off the grill.” Or…

“Don’t be afraid to ask him what he’s serving. It’s the only way you’ll know what you’re eating.”

Jealousy is expressed in many ways.

I’ve always taken a purist approach to grillin’. Charcoal, lit without lighter fluid. And let’s take a moment to discuss the various ways to accomplish that.

The easiest and quickest is the chimney. I use it when time is tight.

I have a couple of friends who use a torch. A nozzle attached to a gas canister.

Seriously, who does this? Two people in all of America. I just happen to know both of them.

I joined them for a while, but honestly, it seems a little goofy. And while you think it would be a faster way of getting the coals going, it’s not. And it’s a little goofy.

Those same friends also use the torch to light a fire in their fireplaces. No comment. I’ve used the word ‘goofy’ twice, and I’m too lazy to consult a thesaurus.

I light my fireplace fires with wax-wood starters and use a little piece of that to fire up the grill.

Get the wax wood started and stack charcoal around it. Cheap & clean.

It ain’t fast. Probably the slowest possible method, taking the coals about 45 minutes to be cook-ready. That’s a period of time we call Happy Hour.

In the past year I’ve added a popular outdoor griddle, which I’m struggling with a little. I have friends who love them - cook entire meals on them. My biggest problem is I’ve never really gotten mine properly seasoned, but I’m not giving up.

So with a charcoal grill and a griddle, do you I need another grill?

Yes I do.

I have now added a wood-pellet grill, and it has been nothing short of transformational. The grill gods opened up the heavens one day and angels dropped this wonderful contraption onto my deck, fully assembled (negotiated with the store).

It’s a grill that uses wood pellets instead of charcoal. The wood pellets are fed into the grill by an auger. Since an auger needs power, it’s a plug-in grill. Got an on/off switch.

But y’all, this sucker is wifi-enabled! It has an app!

You can name your grill. Since smoking is what I bought it for, mine is Smokey.

When I want to grill/smoke meat, all it takes is a little initial set-up work, and I can control the entire cook from my rocking chair.

Set the temp you want to cook at, set the time you want to cook or the temp you want to cook your meat to… and chill. The grill does the rest, and the app will notify you of anything you need to know, including when the meat is ready.

Praise the lord and pass the butterbeans!

For a grilling purist, though, this feels a little like I’m cheating.

But is it cheating because I can go to bed with a 15-lb brisket cooking while the grill regulates its own temperature, monitors the meat temp, sends a notification when it’s perfectly done, keeps it warm in the meantime, brings me a beer and washes and folds my clothes?

No. It is fire and it is meat. That’s what constitutes barbeque.

That, my friends, is the beautiful world we live in today.

And (dramatic pause)… I have clean underwear.