Some of you will be heading to Paris shortly to see Olympic events.
Having been in Paris each of the last two years - for a total of 5 days - I am the expert you seek.
The basics - and let’s start with the most important one:
Toilet paper. Keep it with you at all times. In particular, restaurants and bars may not have toilet paper, some may not even have toilet seats and management doesn’t care what you think about it.
Side vent: WTH, Frenchy? And most of Europe, for that matter!
Every toilet in Europe has a swizzle stick beside it because your toilets don’t clear on first flush or clean after five flushes.
Dear god, people. After a couple of thousand years, it’s time to realize there is a design flaw.
Send a few of those cute Airbus cargo planes to America, land in Home Depot’s parking lot and load up. This ain’t hard.
This is the oversized cargo plane called a Beluga.
The TP/no seat issue is not as much of a problem outside of larger, touristy cities. Like Paris.
Be a good visitor. Learn to say the pleasantries in French: ‘Hello, thank you,’ etc. That goes for any country you visit. You are only an ‘ugly American’ if you won’t at least try.
The Louvre. Skip it. You’ll be there with the entire population of 15 other European and Asian countries.
The museum is the size of Montana, and the Mona Lisa you came to see is the same size as the framed picture of grandma on your bedroom dresser.
Getting around. Rent a car.
Ha ha! Just kidding.
First rule of driving in Paris: there are no rules. Second rule: don’t.
Walk. Even if you’re hotel is 3 miles from your destination of choice.
See the Eiffel Tower. C’est magnifique! Truly. See it at night, too. For 5 minutes at the top of each hour they light it up.
Finally, let’s talk food.
Escargot is delicious. Make sure it’s done so it doesn’t leave your plate.
In Paris, eat Italian.
I am in France while writing this story, and I came here this time to get out into the countryside and eat local.
Just as foreign visitors to the U.S. may turn their noses up at grits or sweet tea, you may find it hard to like a lot of traditional French cuisine.
And they suck at steak. Truthfully, they don’t. It’s just not going to be done in a way you’re used to or like.
That said, if you crave beef, get a burger. Not only are they very good at burgers, they have some creative options.
I had a burger with goat cheese and béarnaise that made me shout, “Viva la France and my underpants!” one night.
I was kicked out of the restaurant, but I had finished my burger by then.
Duck
Duck is always, always a good choice. So is octopus. I mean that.
But regardless of how adventurous you are, at the end of the night you’ll wish you had just ordered pizza.
I mean that more.
Bonjour à vous, and scooby dooby do!