Telegrams, Candygrams & Mammograms

It’s tough coming up with a title for a piece on mammograms. Wanna Feel My Boobs? didn’t work for me.

For the entirety of my adult life, I’ve heard women - my wife included - proclaim that men should have to get a mammogram. Spoken as if women have cornered the market on discomfort in the doctor’s office.

They have not.

For men, anytime the doctor puts on a rubber glove, somebody is about to be bent over the exam table or have to drop their toys into the doctor’s hand for a squeeze.

For the record, bending over the exam table is worse. That’s an ‘exit only’ for most dudes and does not easily tolerate traffic going the wrong way.

My most recent invasion was done by a female doc who told me I should be grateful for her smaller fingers.

I was not.

That said, I am most grateful for all the work my doctors do. Three times has been no charm for cancer catching my ass - or any other body part.

Since being diligent also requires my help, I recently had to tell my doc there’s something going on with one of my breasts.

Doing the manliest thing I can think of - loading firewood into my truck - I was feeling some tenderness when I leaned against the truck on my right side.

“Let’s get it seen about,” says my young, attractive lady doctor. “Now, I’m putting this down as a mammogram for insurance purposes, but there’s nothing to grab on to, so they will probably send you straight to MRI.”

They did not.

Quick observation: not many men in the waiting room for mammograms.

In other news, I’ve now had a mammogram.

No, it did not hurt. Women have this soft, tender gland that hopefully gets squeezed under happier circumstances than a mammogram. Men have muscle or fat that is simply not as sensitive.

Turns out, nothing was wrong. But that didn’t mean everything was OK.

From enemas to finger waves to colonoscopies, I thought I had suffered every indignity know to man (men).

I had not.

Try walking into your young, attractive lady doctor’s office and announcing, “My nipple is tender.”

I was hoping she had a quick joke for me.

She did not.

Perhaps this is the joke. Asking Ai to create a photo of me waiting for a mammogram. Yeah, that’s exactly how I look in my undies!